How To Tell If You’re a Trophy Friend
#1: You are always referred to by your attributes rather than your birth name.
Ex. This is my white friend, my friend who wins pie-eating contests, my friend with the genius IQ, my friend with a big toe.
#2: You are introduced by title rather than by your first name.
Ex. This is Dancer Friend, Doctor Friend, Professor Friend, Astronaut Friend, Super Friend.
#3: These introductions occur in situations in which the attributes and titles are not relevant.
Ex. grocery shopping, the barbeque, church, at the gym, during a bikini wax
How to Avoid Becoming a Trophy Friend
#1: Never be seen in public with the offender.
If no one sees you, no matter how often you’re described eventually people will start to believe you an imaginary entity.
#2: Be mediocre.
Trophy friends need a title or attribute that seems interesting, cool, or noteworthy. If you don’t have this, people will be forced to like you for who you are. Whoever that is, oh mediocre one.
#3: Stop hanging around mediocre people.
People who are about their shit do not need your light to shine. If you hang around people with their own shine, you won’t need–or be able–to do #1 or #2.