Have you ever thought to yourself, “I wish I were popular?”
If you are old enough to have pubic hair and still whine, “I wish I had more friends or at least people to fill up the back covers of my yearbook with autographs, you know, to prove I’m interesting; I’m fun; a really neat person,” then you are probably a loser.
Well, whine no more!
The Social Utility Network has been market-tested and is now available for social anxiety sufferers such as yourself!
Social Utility Networks are not intended for the direct sale of services or goods (though pimping may sometimes occur). They are FREE! Yes, we said FREE! But you are advised to use them at your own risk.
Watch your friends quotient grow exponentially as classmates who never said a complete sentence to you in school garner your affections through random friend requests and Hot Comments©!
You can become an intimate part of their lives as they tweet about the color of their panties and the scary results of their latest AIDS test!
And yes, you can now be interesting too! Take unsmiling photos of yourself in a bathroom and photoshop them until you look like, well, someone other than yourself!
Side effects are varied and usually mild. The most common side effects include the inability to hold a coherent face-to-face conversation, carpal tunnel of the thumbs, blindness, and in severe cases, delusions of grandeur. If any of these symptoms occur, locate the nearest toilet, stick your head in it, and flush.
If symptoms persist, consult your nearest, deepest pothole. Run over it in a fast moving vehicle. Researchers have found this is usually effective in knocking some sense into your dumb ass.